97 Answers (1-30 Displayed)

This has been the funniest post! Thanks for making me laugh Rupert.

Dont hold your cigeret above the bubbles in the bath. Bang

Try charcoal tablets from the chemist/drug store. they are natural and made for that problem.

Try adding Beano or the natural plant Epazote to your foods. Both of these reduce the amount of gas produced in your gut, and are very well tolerated by almost everyone. Epazote can be found in health food stores. Also, if you take any medications for diabetes, many of those cause flatulence. You can ask your doctor about that.
My dear soul, please know that, while this problem can be embarrassing, you are a human being, and you should keep living your life with as much joy as possible. Many people have this problem, and most are not at all embarrassed by it, and in fact take pleasure in that they can pass gas in front of people. I am glad that you have compassion for other people, and would like to fix the problem. Kudos to you for your gentility! Keep us posted, and God bless you.

digestive enzymes, bean-o, as mentioned above, make sure you're not lactose intolerant, that would have you blowing out the wall when you eat dairy. Careful what you eat. Protein causes people to be rather gassy, find out what makes you gassy. Eat one food all day see what happens, the next day try another food, maybe it's a few types of food, writ it down and keep a gas diary? Hope this helps.

Bottle it for the queen.

Rupert, please let us know how you're doing today/

You and Mary will definitely join again. This love is too intense to remain unfulfilled.

Maybe papermoon knows Rupert in person.

Rupert please dont dispare i am sure you will be ok. You have too big a soul. We will miss you while you are gone and awaut your return.
May God be with you dear, dear friend.

Rupert - i think you should fire Joan right away. It seems like she might be after your money.
Can you call a service and ask them for another maid? You really deserve the best there is.

Yes David ,sorry Rupertsoul you are very clever please come back!

Ruberp,
How long are you expected to be in hospital for, I will miss your blog, as when your gone I'm out !!! If you know what I mean .Touch nose

Rupert, Before you went off to war did you ever sing the wonderful Jim Reeves song Distant Drums to Mary ?

Rupert ,why did you call this budgie Bobby when the last 12 have been called Billy?

Rupert is in hospital on Monday so I suppose they will look after him. He has a tumour so sadly it will be academic soon.

Awww! Sleep well old chap

I didn't understand that papermoon and I'm sure Rupert would not have a clue either

You ok today Rupert?

I don't know about Joan being a cow..papermoons comes boringly near it.

Least you got memories worth having Rupert.

Pupert you are so clever and entertaining. Are you a professional writer? you should be. You actually have some people fooled. The rest of us are getting the laugh you intended for us. I bet even you are surprised it has gone as far as 10 pages! Keep it coming :)

hello dearest feinds. Joan has been going on and on about my money but I managed to put her off. I said I would do something next week in hospital. Actually I plan to tell the social people in the hospital that Joan is stealing and I want her replaced. So we'll see. I go into hospital tomorrow. I don't know whether I will be back if I have to have the operation.
Anyway if I don't return I will have a little word with the angels and say how nice you all are especially Volcano.
I have left the 200 000 pounds under the bed under a floorboard cos I have no one to give it to. As I said one day it might give someone a nice surprie.
I will also tell them I want to be buried with Mary and all the little Billys and that I want Billy 13 to come with us when he goes.
God bless
Rupert

The old bitch has gone now so I thought I'd have a quick word. Did I call Billy Bobby? I must be going senile calling Billy Bobby. ( I wont be bothering you too much longer paperdoom. I'm sorry I seem to) I've been doing that a lot lately. I went to the bus stop the other day although I always get taxis and I did not know where I was going. I think I might be starting with altzeime thingy. Joan said I had plenty of clothes when she went out and said I had not given her enough money for the groceries I'm sure I gave her ?50 but she said it was a 20.
When I volunteered Mary cried. We had been seing each other on a regular basis and her mother had sort of accepted that Mary had made her mind up. One day she actually invited me to tea which in those days was a sign you had been accepted, sort of. She brought out the best china and I'd never seen anything so nice. I was so nervous the cup rattled on the saucer and I was scared I might break a cup. When I was a boy we were so poor we drank tea from jam-jars (I swear that on the Bible) and we had newspapers cut up into squares in the outside toilet. Only funny thing was I wiped my arse on Hitler's face one time.
But I was never left alone in the house with Mary. If we went to the cinema I would walk her home hand in hand. It was lovely on summer's evening under the Sycamore trees in dalton Avenue The leaves glowed orange and reds under the street lamps like a fairy grotto. We used to say goodnight on her doorstep and I stole a kiss or two. But soon her Mother would shout that it was late and it was time for her to go to bed as she had work in the morning. She looked lovely in her wide skirts all summery. She'd paint a line down the back of her legs to look like the seams of stockings which no one could get hold of except the Americans.
I managed to get a pair from Max Kay who was into black market stuff. Cost me a weeks pay but the smile on Mary's face when I gave them to her was all worth while.
Then I went to war and wrote to Mary every day. Her photo was in my wallet and I said goodnight to her every night while the sound of gunfire and the shelling went on and on and on.
When the war was over I came home. I was in hospital all the time from Ipres and I would not let mary come to see me. I was badly injured and had lost an eye and my face was ugly. I did not want her to see me. But after the war I came back home and one day there was aknock on the door and who should be standing there. Mary..
I need to go now I'm tired Rupert

Joan has gone out to get some groceries for me. She asked for some money to get them but I'm sure she siad that yesterday and I only had a bowl of Heinz tomato soup. She'made me sit in my underpants all day as she says all my clothes are in the washing machine. So I haven't been able to leave the apartment.She keep going on at me to sign my savings over to her as I might not come back from hospital. But she can fuck off the nasty old cow.
I'd rather leave it to the dog's home so I'll make a will in hospital next week before I have any operation.
Funny me and Mary when I got to her house her mother was very stand-offish as she knew I was not good enough for Mary. She kept me on the doorstep while mary got my bicycle. It took me 3 hours to ride home but it was like being on a cloud as mary had said she would go to the pictures with me, but I wasn't to say anything because she wasn't going to tell her mum. The War was on the cards with Germany
and I didn't have long before I was called up or had to volunteer. If you didn't volunteer everyone called you a coward. So you had to really. Anyway I held mary's hand in the pictures and we both had a coffee in a little coffee bar and talked forever. Then we got on our bikes and rode home. I was the luckiest man alive..Little did I know the clouds of War were gathering force and the storm would come sooner than we all thought. We thought Chambelain had made peace with Hitler and we would be ok but when he invades Poland we knew we had to make a stand or England would be next..
I'm cold and I can't find my dressing gown anywere...
Rupert

hello dear people. This morning the birds were singing and Bobby the Budgie was chirping and I felt much better but I am still scared about Monday cos if they can operate on the tumour they will but it's more than 60% I won't come out of it. I've got a lot of money under the bed under a floorboard so Joan can't find it. It will be a nice surprise for someone one day.
I was telling you about Mary and how we met. I was taking lessons in skating and got to the point where I could stay upright and make a few turns. So after going for some time I realised Mary came on tuesday and saturday afternoons. Then one day I was next to her and she glided through the ice like a ballarina. I got so nervous I slipped and fell over on top of her and her sharp skates sliced into my left kneecap. The pain was awful. There was blood all down my trousers. Mary came with me to hospital and came back later and took my bike home. We had no cars in those days.
Over the next week or so she visited me. We talked and talked. I was completely mesmorised by her.She had hands that looked as if they were made or porcelain, perfect teeth and she wore a pink gingham dress with a pink bow in her hair. Her face crinkled around her nose when she smiled and she had eyes that were so blue they were like swimming pools that I wanted to dive into. Into her heart.
When my knee had healed up Mary said i could go round to her house and pick up my bike. I had to take three buses.
I walked up the path of 28 dalton avenue. There were roses growing around the door and the sunshine highlighted the hanging bastards. The birds sang . I suddenly felt my hands shaking as I knocked on the door..
Oh bollocks Joan's here...

I have not been well today but I bought a new Billy and he seems happy enough. I've been in bed since. The nurse came and gave me an injection which made me woosey.
I thought about Mary. I loved her at first sight. People say love at first sight is not possible But it is. I never wanted another woman before Mary and I've never wanted one since we met-.
War......Love is like war. Easy to begin but hard to end.You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it. When mary went the pain was more intense than anything I feel today.
Other men said they have seen angels,but I had seen Mary she was enough.
Love is not a matter of counting the years...But making the years count. every day with mary I couned like a miser counts his money
You love simply because you cannot help it
Night all

Don't try to stop it or cover it up. One day my boss came to my desk and showed me an ad that she found funny and unbelievable. It was for inserts you put into your under that has charcoal in it. It advertises that it absolutely neutralizes the smell of flatulence. Good luck!! http://www.flat-d.com/flatdreusable.html

Rupert, It all depends on my "mix" but at the moment I have found that 1 fried egg per week (maybe 2) is greatly reducing my embarassment. As a young fella, I heard of a balance in food but never learnt it. Since coming to God I have learnt something though. When you eat too much of a food (potatoes e.g.) your body doesn't need/can't use anymore and our body functions "shut down". However we, remembering that great taste of potatoe eg and eat more and more to recapture the taste until our body functions go awry . I know my feet smell thru the excess of potatoes and other foods cause simlar mishaps. Too much bread e.g. causes my armpits to smell. But David wrote in the Bible that bread strengthens the heart. So the lesson here is that our use of food more often that not lets us down - not the food itself. As it is written in God's Word "All food is good and nothing to be refused if thanks be first given to God for it" which is why we say grace with understanding. Again He says that He "Feeds us food convenient for us". So here we turn to the wisdom of God for help. What am I eating too much of? What am I not eating that I should/could be? Also, Let your senses (all 5 of them !) advise you- again with wisdom. Does the smell of a particular vegetable/fruit stand out in a supermarket. Buy a small quantity only and if you fell it is doing you good add it to your regular diet. Also be ready to reduce s psrticular line of food if it is necessary.
Today, I have 3 basic veges - red, white and green and use 3 of each kind at different times for variety also some meat which God specifies for us e.g. after the great flood of Noah's day. I have never put this into writing before Rupert so I hope and pray that it does you good. It wont happen overnight either so be patient and kind to yourself.

Any foods containing fiber, which is good for you, can cause GAS. Foods that you consume and may unknowingly be allergic to may cause GAS. Mu suggestion, monitor your diet. If you notice after eating a certain food that you find that you consistantly pass gas, try to avoid it as much as possible or particularly when you will be out and about. I happen to be lactose intollerant (allergic to milk products) but I LOVE ice cream and I love MILK, so i try to limit consumtion of either to either early evening or late at night when i can have some alone time, just me and my GAS!!!