This may seem like a commercial but . . . . go buy yourself an OXI CLEAN Max Force Pre-treater gel stick. It comes with a scrubbing tip. Squeeze the stick to release the gel and agitate the scrubbing tip on BOTH SIDES of the stain. Let that sit for an hour or two and then wash the item on a normal wash cycle. It works like magic! I've used it on stains that had already gone through multiple washings and dryings with positive results. Oh, and the next time you dismember someone, don't do it on your bed.

After a night of drinking, (legally), my friend was asleep in the back seat of the car. Just happened to have a shoeshine kit in the trunk. While he slept, I took black shoe polish and completely covered most of his nose. When he woke up, hours later, he couldn't understand why he was getting strange looks from everybody. The fun lasted for hours. What a hoot!

I just had my big toenail surgically removed because it was infected. The podiatrist told me that Jim Henson, (of Muppets fame), waited too long for pretty much the same thing. He had a red streak going up his leg, he kept on working and that's how he ended up dying.

Pi**ing off my beneficiaries.

Study to be a mortician.

The worst thing about a job that I can think of is; not being able to find one, having the mail come every day delivering bills that one cannot pay, being in need of basic necessities that one cannot attain, seeing your children go without while the media flaunts excess . . .

My x-wife.

Southeast Asian cuisine. Small pieces of meat and fish, strong on crispy healthy veggies and a good amount of tongue and tummy warming curries and spices! Sweet, sour, salty and tangy - YUMMMM

My mouth.

If you are directly facing the rising sun you are looking due east. Turn to your right 90 degrees and you will be facing south.