25 Answers

Here is another

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

13 years ago. Rating: 18
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An elderly Lady called 911 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the

officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."

13 years ago. Rating: 16
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My job is secure. No one else wants it.

13 years ago. Rating: 15
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How can you tell if a lawyer is lying? When you see his lips moving.

13 years ago. Rating: 12
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A 5 year old's first job…
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f***in' sheet rock..."

13 years ago. Rating: 12
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Yo mama's so stupid she was yelling into a mailbox. When we asked her what she was doing she said she was sending voicemail.

13 years ago. Rating: 12
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two guys were captured by canibials. their stuck naked in a big pot over a fire and the water gets hotter and hotter.All of a sudden one guy starts to laugh and the other guy asks "whats so funny? "i just peed in their soup"

13 years ago. Rating: 11
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A young boy was having a bath with his mother for the first time. the boy pointed to his mother's crutch and said curiously what is that, his mother said cautiously , oh that's my sponge, the boy said nothing he was happy with this answer. A week later the mother goes to hospital with appendicitis attack, she comes home a week later, after the operation and has another bath with her young son, the first thing he says, mommy,mommy what happened to your sponge, i lost it son, NO YOU HAV'NT MOMMY I SAW THE LADY NEXT DOOR WASHING DADDY'S FACE WITH IT. that's the cleanest i could come up with.

13 years ago. Rating: 11
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There was two baby skunks, one called In and one called Out. One day when IN and OUT where in Mum skunk said to IN and OUT, I am going out so IN and OUT you stay in. So Mum skunk went out and left IN and OUT in. When Mum went out IN said to OUT I am going out so IN went out and left OUT in. When IN was out Mum came in and saw that IN was out and said to OUT where is IN? OUT said when you went out IN went out and left me in. Mum told OUT to go out and bring IN in. So OUT went out and brought IN in. Mum said to OUT how did you find IN so fast and OUT told her IN-STINKED........I am tired after that..lol

13 years ago. Rating: 10
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today" Jack says as he steps out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" To which she replied "Probably that I married you for your money."

13 years ago. Rating: 9
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Q- What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A- Not enough sand.

13 years ago. Rating: 9
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how about the cross eyed teacher ? she couldn't controll her pupils

13 years ago. Rating: 7
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This is a true Story. My uncle did not come home from work one day at his usual time ai 5:30 pm. When he showed up at 11pm He was slurring his speech and was unsteady on his fee. He jelled "Anna where is my supper I am hungry" My aunt put a knife and a fork on the table and put a bottle o f Beer in front of him and said "Here is your supper"

13 years ago. Rating: 7
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The grim reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop anytime....

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador,"bugger that says Mick" have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

13 years ago. Rating: 7
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Son, I want baby brother,

Mom, your Daddy is over seas,

When he comes home, we will talk it over,

Son, Why dont you give him a surprise ?

13 years ago. Rating: 7
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The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

13 years ago. Rating: 7
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THE LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair..

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair

13 years ago. Rating: 7
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One up for the blondes?

A dairy farmer marries a buxom blonde from the city. She obviously doesn't know much about raising cows, but she is eager to make her husband proud of her.
One day as they were walking towards the barn, he tells her the Veterinarian is coming out to inseminate one of the cows. She looks at him kind of funny, and he says, "He is going to make her pregnant." "Oh", she says giggling.
The farmer then says, "I'm going to be out in the field, so I put a nail on the board above the cow so you can show him which cow it is when he gets here."
Soon after, the Vet shows up and recognizes the blonde from the city and they have some small talk. Finally, they walk into the barn, and he asks if she knows which one it is.
"Sure do," she says confidantly, and leads him to the correct cow in the stall.
"Now how would a city gal like you know which cow it is?", he asks smirking.
"Because of the nail, silly." she says starting to turn away.
"And just what is the nail for?" he asks still smirking.
She turns back and smiles at him, "Well, to hang your pants on, duh!"

13 years ago. Rating: 7
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Did you know vegitarian is an old Indian word, It means bad hunter

13 years ago. Rating: 7
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One day 3 boys were walking home from school, when they happen upon a stranger whom tells them that this house up the street is haunted so, later that evening the 3 boys go to check out the story. Once they arrive their walking along through the house when they hear "When the log rolls over we'll all be dead", they then start up the stairs when they heard it again a little louder "When the log rolls over we'll all be dead", once they got up stairs the 1 boy had to use the bathroom so, he went in walked over to the toilet and as he looked down there was a group of ants standing on a turd screaming "When the log rolls over we'll all be dead".

13 years ago. Rating: 6
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"I would like to see some clean, young adult friendly jokes!"


Did you laugh? I know I did, lol

You have to know this site better than that ;)

How are you monkey? I missed you yesterday. Did you come around?

13 years ago. Rating: 5
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Why did Lebron James decide not to go to college, He did not want to show up for the finals.

13 years ago. Rating: 5
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knock knock WHO'S THEIR poo POO WHO thats right poo u

13 years ago. Rating: 5
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A lady looks out her window and sees her man walking to their apartment with a bouquet of flowers.   She says to her girl friend,  "Oh no, he's bringing flowers.  I going to have to keep my legs up all night."  Her girl friend says back, "You mean you don't have a vase."        Compliments of: Comedian Redd Fox.

12 years ago. Rating: 2
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While on holiday, Pope Benedict sees a man in a german football shirt between the jaws of a shark. Then a speedboat races up, with three men in English football shirts aboard. They pull the german from the water then drag the shark aboard and kill it. The Pope says 'I bless you for your actions. I thought there was bitter hatred between English and German football fans but I see this is untrue'.As he drives off the first Englishman says 'Who was that?' The second Englishman says 'The Pope. He's in direct contact with God and has access to all his wisdom.' The first says.'Maybe, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait doing?'     

12 years ago. Rating: 0
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