25 Answers
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
13 years ago. Rating: 18 | |
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the
officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
13 years ago. Rating: 16 | |
A 5 year old's first job…
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f***in' sheet rock..."
13 years ago. Rating: 12 | |
(Even if it is bad words! But, I won't tell your Mom!)
13 years ago. Rating: 12 | |
13 years ago. Rating: 11 | |
13 years ago. Rating: 10 | |
13 years ago. Rating: 7 | |
The grim reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop anytime....
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador,"bugger that says Mick" have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
12 years ago. Rating: 7 | |
Bwahahahahaha!!!!
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair..
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair
13 years ago. Rating: 7 | |
A dairy farmer marries a buxom blonde from the city. She obviously doesn't know much about raising cows, but she is eager to make her husband proud of her.
One day as they were walking towards the barn, he tells her the Veterinarian is coming out to inseminate one of the cows. She looks at him kind of funny, and he says, "He is going to make her pregnant." "Oh", she says giggling.
The farmer then says, "I'm going to be out in the field, so I put a nail on the board above the cow so you can show him which cow it is when he gets here."
Soon after, the Vet shows up and recognizes the blonde from the city and they have some small talk. Finally, they walk into the barn, and he asks if she knows which one it is.
"Sure do," she says confidantly, and leads him to the correct cow in the stall.
"Now how would a city gal like you know which cow it is?", he asks smirking.
"Because of the nail, silly." she says starting to turn away.
"And just what is the nail for?" he asks still smirking.
She turns back and smiles at him, "Well, to hang your pants on, duh!"
13 years ago. Rating: 7 | |
13 years ago. Rating: 6 | |
Did you laugh? I know I did, lol
You have to know this site better than that ;)
How are you monkey? I missed you yesterday. Did you come around?
13 years ago. Rating: 5 | |
I know this site...that's why I specified clean and young adult friendly!! lol
I'm good. Just got back from shopping. Now have to put the groceries away. Ugh.
I sure hope people are obedient, or else they will feel the wrath of Monkey!!! ;P
A lady looks out her window and sees her man walking to their apartment with a bouquet of flowers. She says to her girl friend, "Oh no, he's bringing flowers. I going to have to keep my legs up all night." Her girl friend says back, "You mean you don't have a vase." Compliments of: Comedian Redd Fox.
12 years ago. Rating: 2 | |
While on holiday, Pope Benedict sees a man in a german football shirt between the jaws of a shark. Then a speedboat races up, with three men in English football shirts aboard. They pull the german from the water then drag the shark aboard and kill it. The Pope says 'I bless you for your actions. I thought there was bitter hatred between English and German football fans but I see this is untrue'.As he drives off the first Englishman says 'Who was that?' The second Englishman says 'The Pope. He's in direct contact with God and has access to all his wisdom.' The first says.'Maybe, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait doing?'
12 years ago. Rating: 0 | |