There was a time in my life, when all I thought about was love. When I was in high school, I’d see guys buying their girlfriends flowers. And I thought how lucky those girls were to have guys like that, who were more then willing to do something nice like that. I kept to myself in high school most of the time and when it came to Valentine’s Day, I got myself a single rose. But deep down, I always wondered what it would be like to have a guy give me a rose or even a card saying, “I’m thinking of you”.

In all of my years of dating, love has never been successful for me. And I always wonder why I keep putting myself in such painful situations. Why haven’t I learned my lesson? If God loves me so much, why would he keep on sending the wrong people in my life? Perhaps I am afraid of falling short of the glory of God. I admit that we all fall short. But I feel like I am stuck between two rocks and I can’t break free. I admit that I made a choice to be alone, I even pushed my friends out of my life and for reasons that only I understand. The first time I knew I was in love, was when I met my first boyfriend.

We started dating first, before we even became friends. I guess you could say that I was a little hurt by that. Deep down, I had hoped that we could be friends first. But apparently, it didn’t work out that way. I would bake him cakes for his birthday, I would even write him short romantic stories. I even stuffed his car with birthday balloons, it was the first time I had ever done anything remarkable for someone before. It made me start wanting to do more remarkable things for him. At that moment, I started believing that this was God trying to tell me something. And I believed it with all of my heart and all of my soul.

There were three moments, three separate encounters I had with my first love. And I thought to myself, this has to be a sign from God. It has to be. I was at Cub Foods with my mom and younger sister and we were picking out groceries for the week. I got this feeling in my stomach; it was telling me that my boyfriend was at Cub Foods too. I stopped at the bathroom quick, before returning back to my mom. And just as I was about to pass the bread aisle, I saw my boyfriend standing there and he was looking at a pair of sunglasses. I couldn’t believe it, my gut was telling me that he was going to be there at Cub and sure enough he was.

I went to a Super America gas station with my mom and nephew; my mom had apparently left her wallet in the car. So I went out to go grab her wallet. Little did I know that my boyfriend had seen me walk out of the gas station and out to the car. By the time I grabbed the wallet and locked the car, my boyfriend was standing there. I told myself, this is amazing. And the funny thing is, is that I had a gut feeling my boyfriend was going to be at Super America, before I even knew he was going to be there.

The third time it happened, was at Mcdonald’s, I had that same vibe telling me that my boyfriend was at Mcdonalds and when I walked in to use their restroom, my boyfriend was there. It happened three times to me and it really led me to believe that God was trying to tell me something. My boyfriend and I were together for two years and then he cheated on me with one of my family members. I was hurt and betrayed by everything that I had lost all hope for the relationship. Anyways, my ex left me and my sister of course and I hadn’t seen or spoken to him about two years after that.

When I started dating someone else, my first ex found out and he destroyed that relationship before it had even began. Lately, it just seems like I can never meet new people and love never seems to last for me. What saddens me is that I threw myself away on my ex, who never knew when my birthday was or even called me to see if I was doing ok. He couldn’t take five minutes out of his busy time to check up on me. And when he did call to talk to me, it was always about his life, his job and several other things. We never even went out to dinner together or saw a movie like couples should do and that’s what really depressed me about him.

It took me five to six years to fully recover from that relationship, but there is still something that is haunting me. The hearts that I broke with other guys can never be mended, because way too much damage has been done. I struggle every day to be strong and to keep on believing and to have faith, but sometimes, I feel my faith is slowly diminishing. I am scared and I feel I can’t even talk to God anymore, I feel I’ve only upset him. My friends, who I thought were my friends could care less about what I am going through. To my friends, I was always considered the third wheel. I never really was an important part of the group and it hurt me bad. It just seemed like no matter how hard I tried to communicate and relate to them, it was never good enough.

I guess you could say, I just wanted to be good enough and that’s exactly what I want in a relationship, to be good enough. Despite my imperfections, but it’s up to God to decide what my future holds. If I am meant to live the remainder of my life without anyone, then I will accept it, but it sure would be nice to at least have one good friend in my life. A friend who will accept my imperfections, despite what I’ve done? Is there such a friend out there? It would be nice to have a friend who will stand up for me, believe in me, comfort me when I am down and spend quality time with me. I would really like that a lot actually.

I feel like everyone I know and love is two steps ahead and I am always five steps behind. I feel like I'm trapped in a place where I am not even supposed to be.

I feel invisible at home and at work.