Bob/PKB
The Saga of Sons continues. Son #3's fiancee has left for a few weeks in Colorado. My son wanted to spend his mid-June birthday alone, but now there is talk of her returning to be here for it. Son has been busy cleaning and rearranging his room, visiting with his cousin, and just enjoying having some time at home that is all his. I would like to see the fiancee get a part time job and/or enroll in some college or trade courses, or adult education. My son says he encourages her to go to school.
Son #2 (the one who was in jail) is doing well; however, his girlfriend apparently turned to alcohol after giving up a drug addiction a few years ago, and struggles with it at times. Today is about the third time my son has been disgusted by the drinking (this one sparked by her alcoholic mother, in town for a visit). I think he is having some second and third thoughts.
Son #1 (with the GF and 3 kids) is doing very well right now, and seems to be determined to stay on the better path he has chosen. His 4 year old daughter was here for a couple hours with Son #2 today and I was showing her a picture of my mom, my 3 sons, and me at a restaurant about 4 years ago. We identified everyone in the photo, then she pointed at what was obviously a beer bottle and said, (and I quote), "Mommy! Where's Mommy?"
I REALLY, SINCERELY try to keep my mouth shut, or to be VERY CAREFUL when listening to any of them share information, because they are just letting off steam and I (more of less) know better than to try to give unsolicited advice.
What route would you take in these conversations, where you know you want to give them a thought to consider, without sounding like you're giving advice? Yes, I know they are adults and need to make mistakes and live with their choices. If you were a passenger in a car and the driver was headed straight for a sheer drop cliff, would you sit quietly? After all, he HAS a driver's license.
It's OK to point out the obvious, sometimes with a shout and sometimes with innuendo.
4 Answers
FISH-O
You just have to sit on the fence. I would so completely want to say so many things if I walked in your shoes... however, if you were to say such things, you would risk alienation, which is a very hard pill to swallow.
Good Luck Bobette. Keep your star shining bright.
Hugs and all that good stuff, The Fishie One. xo
Remember, your shoes belong to you and no one else... the same can be said for everyone on this planet.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 9 | |
pythonlover
As a mother, you can still give advice and have an opinion whether they like it or not. I know I do. If you are in their company and hear things that aren't right, tell them so. If you are told to mind your own business tell them you would appreciate that they do not discuss their private matters in your presence. Some adult children still need to be guided. It's up to you if you want to step back ( which is what we should do) but boy, it's hard watching from the outside looking in.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 5 | |
figtree3
Hi Bob! You are so attentive and caring. Listen listen listen. Try to pay more attention to the way they are feeling as a result of their problems.
Inquire as to what they usually do when they are feeling that way. Encourage the healthy stuff. Suggest options to them that might be healthier.
Stay out of the problem and try to focus more on the reactive behaviors they exhibit as the direct result of the way they are feeling at the moment.
1) Think the critical thinking (silently, perhaps chewing gum instead of tongue ;)
2) Ask how it makes them feel and what do they normally do when they feel that way.
3) Offer suggestions that will keep them out of harms way. Don't be overcome by their feelings, that's their job!
Stay on the outside, it's where they want to be. You can make it attractive by assuring them that they already know what they need to do and that they will eventually do it. (you don't have to believe that part, just express the faith)
| 11 years ago. Rating: 5 | |
sawali
Would not want to be in your shoes. But have learnt one thing NOT TO GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE because that is not welcomed or appreciated. You painfully watch the drama unfold. When sometimes damage has been done, advice is sought and you are helpless.
Wish you well.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 4 | |
