5 Answers

You will find my answer to be cold but it is how I see things. It is my opinion and my opinion is that parents should leave their kids alone once the child leaves the nest and makes his/her own nest. My answer to your dilemma is: 

First, in a sense you are an intruder. Her life is with her husband. You do not need to be a part of that. You are not her family and you really have no business in your son's life unless he needs you there, which he shouldn't because he has a wife. He's a man, quit kissing all over him. He has a wife for that. A quick hug is good, there's no need for an embrace, he has a wife for that. How often do you see him? Should only be once a month if not longer than that. He has a life and a wife which should be keeping him busy. His need for a mom is long since over. You may not think you are too wrapped up in his life but you are. Otherwise you would not be on a forum pouring out your history with your son and his wife. When you are at his house, let her be. When she is at your house, let her be. She does not want a mother, she has one, good or bad, she has one. She does not need you as a friend. She has her husband for that. 

Wait long enough and someone nicer than me will come along with warm and fuzzy words to make you feel better and to tell you your daughter in law is not nice. For now, this is what you have. Sorry if it's not what you were looking for. 

Colleen

Good, you're a good grandmother. When babysitting was over, you said your goodbye and went home?

I'ved been thru that with my  brother's wife thru the years. When we used to wash dishes together, she wouldn't talk to me.     Ditto for when she was putting together Thanksgiving dinner, and I asked her if she needed any help and she said no. When they had their frist baby, I drove all the way up there to the hosp to see the baby, but she wouldn' t acknowlege me. She talked a mile a minute when their pastor and his wife came in.

I have also found this to be true with many young adults and kids. LIke my cousin's grandaughter. She's 29 and getting conversation out of her is like pulling teeth. Yet she talks a lot to her mom on the phone, and when she's out with one of her freinds. Some of my co-workers have been like this to me too. They'll talk to someone else,but not me. And I'm the friendly one and try to draw people out.

There are some people who are wisely cautious about giving too much information out, as they have found in the past it could be misconstrued, and it end up more headache than it is worth. This is probably a situation where a mother-in-law falls into the category known for repurcusions about just about anything said about how that family gets along. Many mother-in-laws are known for not being able to seperate what is the son or daughters role is in their new family, from the mother-in-law their trying to run their family by proxy.

Feel lucky, as I feel like I am stuck supporting the world in charity, and quite frankly it is very easy for it to slide into stupidity in that mode of thinking. Let them live their life and learn...and simply be a back up resource...and let them live their own lives.

If your daughter-in-law has ever been trained in interrogation techniques, just by nature, she will only share what is needed for the moment. This is especially true if she has a military background that dealt in security issue.

you have to ask her why she does that and you will find out real fast why that is.

about their marriage you cant stop eithe rone of them...well theyre in right age to decide for them yet still your guidance with them in case they need ur opinions or suggestions but they must decide not you to teach them to stand for it no matter what the outcome theyre responsible of it....and about your daughter in law...maybe your not often talk together...so try her someway she is willing to open up and explain her side...its matter of how to approach since you are thier mother