Bob/PKB
My 24 year old son was released from jail on 12/18, after nearly 21 months in four different jails. Probation in all 4, fines and restitution, classes and NA meetings to attend. He's getting rides from brothers and me for meetings.
I hate to admit it, and this is the place I feel safest doing so, even if I get flack, but I don't believe he is going to be out of trouble for one month.
Yesterday afternoon, he got a ride from a "friend" who picked him up at my mom's. I've heard from him, but have no idea who he's with, where he is, or what he's doing. My gut tells me to tell him to take his stuff and find another "motel".
I won't tell him what to do or give him ultimatums, but the behavior isn't building any trust.
Your thoughts? I'd appreciate thoughtful consideration and helpful responses.
23 Answers
ClevelandRick
Best answer!
Bob,I'll lean to the far right and say please please don't give up on your son,now is the time to draw him nearer not push him away,don't let him get ate up by the streets.I was your son so many years ago.I was the youngest of four and the only one to give my mom trouble,in and out of jail,never seeing what it was doing to my mother,sure I would see the crying and the worry,but never knowing it was breaking her heart.And then the big one hit and after the hearing they were taking me back to the county jail to await transport to a state prison and as we were pulling out from the back of the courthouse I saw my mom and my lawyer walking down the courthouse steps and my mom fainted and fell down four or five stairs before my lawyer was able to catch her,and me seeing this unfold chained up in a van was too much,I knew at that very second that I would never hurt my mom again,I still had to go do my time,and once again she was with me every step of the way,what a wonderful mother and person.So hang in there Bob because I know you love your son just like my mother loves me,and I know your son loves you as I do my mom.P.S.Keep him away from those drugs,they are the root of all evil.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 21 | |
I wish he could talk to you.
Ann
I agree with doolittle. You have to set boundries and if he does not respect that, then help him find a place to live elsewhere. He is a grown man. You schould not have to worry so much about him, when he does not seem to care about your feelings.
It is his decision wether he wants to stay out of trouble or not.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 23 | |
ROMOS
He's a big boy P, time to stop worrying (I know you wont).
Let him do what he needs to do.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 22 | |
Ducky
He is a MAN. I'm sure that, while being punished, it has been literally pounded into his head, what will happen, if he decides to act like a fool....again. Unless there is some good reason why he is unable to grasp warnings about breaking the rules, he is simply rebellious or a "blamer". Until a person, of any age, accepts responsibility for their own behavior, they will continue down the same path. If he needs a sympathetic babysitter, let it not be you. "Thirty days to find your own home son. I'll still love you and help you....from a distance"!
(Sorry Bob....tough love from you, may be his only hope.)
| 11 years ago. Rating: 21 | |
Tommyh
Ahh Bob! This is a tough one.Although I think Romos nailed it.He's a big boy maybe it's time to cut him loose. Comes a time in everyones life when they have to be responsible for themselves & take the consequences if they don't. I have read your posts in the past about this son of yours & I know you have done so much to try to help him.How much more are you expected to do?
| 11 years ago. Rating: 21 | |
If we can't come to an agreement that works for both of us, he'll end up staying with my mom, his dad, or his older brother (none of these are good places). I'm hoping he looks for work or starts school after he gets his schedule down for drug classes and NA meetings. He doesn't get to sit around; these two weeks have been odd.
clu
I hope he knows what a great Mom he has in you! However I doubt it! Maybe he has learned a lesson. You always hope they do. I just fear you will be disappointed and I hope you haven't had to lie to anyone about if he's at home or not! I'm hoping things will be ok for you but I know I have been tricked a few times by excellent liars . Keep us informed.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 19 | |
doolittle
I take it he is staying with you. If so, make boundaries & tell him what they are and what will happen if he crosses them. Then, it is up to him to choose behaviors that are within the boundaries or ones that are not. You don't have to put up with any adult (related or not) whose behaviors effect you
| 11 years ago. Rating: 19 | |
pythonlover
I know what your going through all too well.Honestly Bob, there is not much you can do, except to be there when they fall.All the pleading and begging in the world won't change them.His addiction will come first, no matter what.It is very sad for parents to sit back and watch our grown children sabotage their lives.Drugs and alcohol can destroy a family.I know it's hard, but try and focus on your own life, rather than his.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 18 | |
FISH-O
You are a wonderful Mother P... Your son is an adult and as much as it hurts, you have to let him live and experience his own life lessons. It is a difficult pill to swallow.
xo Fishie
| 11 years ago. Rating: 17 | |
robertgrist
When I was 24 I was growing pot and making white lightening…my friends were all thrilled. Eventually I decided for myself that I liked the hangovers and being stoned less than the highs and lows. The obvious solution was and ever since remained to quit fowling my head up with all that. I’ve know lots of folk that got into the bottle, pot and narcotics more than me. Some died in the process. NA is about finding the strength within to stop…day by day. Being a drug addict and driven to seek your favorite narcotic is a trade-off between feeling crazy-urgent-seeking and deep relief. Addiction driven people are insane, Living a lie about everything to everyone without any since of shame or remorse. As an addict I would lie to everyone about everything, to get a little money I would have stolen my mother’s false teeth for a speck of gold. Addicts….if their lips are moving they are lying; if you turn your back on an addict they will steal anything and everything in your house. I have seen addicts over-write checks for their parents accounts for drugs. Addicts can only find redemption for themselves because addiction is the most selfish personal state of existence…morality, shame and loyalty does not exist if there are no drugs in the deal. Money seeking along with a thousand wonderful schemes to profit wonderfully with your money included in their plan is typical for drug addicts and their stories seem to make such good sense….especially with your money.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 16 | |
Ameleco
zorro
From my experience of working around inmates, 80 % seem to want to do better when get out. The other 20 % have no business outside and will not act right when they get out. I do believe that some people dont have the ability to make good decisions . Try to work with him. I know its hard. Tell him you want to trust him. But be guarded, sometimes getting out is stressful and they really cant handle the pressure.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 15 | |
chelleanne
Until his probation Is over, I think he supposed to stay at the address he gave. Which is yours and only yours. So, you do have some control on what goes on in your house. You do have to set boundaries. Tell him his "friends" is not welcome at your house. You and your other sons are giving him rides to his meetings so he don't need any friends to do that. Do NOT give him any money. Do he have a job to pay his fines an restitution? If not, with job hunting, going to classes and meetings, he has enough to do instead of hanging out with these so called friends.
You say you don't want to tell him what to do. This is not the time to trust him. His past and present behavior is not trust worthy. You said that yourself. Don't keep your mouth closed. Tell him his behavior is not right and you fear that he is going to end up in prison. At least you said something. Tell him the prison system has no problem with telling him what to do. You know, you're going to shower, eat, work, go to bed, wake up, etc. when they say so. Or do I watch too much TV? So, if he wants and likes his freedom, I think he better cooperate.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 12 | |
Headless Man
Sometimes prayer and fasting will work if you believe and do it sincerely, It's worked for me when my daughter was in trouble, now she doing fine.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 11 | |
And that's completely unnecessary.
jhharlan
sunnyB
As we all know it's tough being a parent sometimes, sounds like you have been and are still being a wonderful mum to your son. You have to stick by him and try to help him, but you also have to make rules in your own house, and he has to accept that.I hope the new year brings you more better times , and hope that your son realises how lucky he is to have you. x
| 11 years ago. Rating: 10 | |
itsmee
I’m sorry you’re having trouble. There’s nothing I can add. A lot of men with undiagnosed ADHD have problems. There are many doctors who don’t believe it exists. (It does) Has he been checked by a reliable doctor? itsmee
| 11 years ago. Rating: 10 | |
I hope you see to it that he goes to a doctor. I’m trying to think of a doctor in our area who might be good at diagnoses.
My brother did take medicine ... but not for a long time. He just needed to find direction,
witchway
The most difficult thing to do as a parent is to let our children run their own lives, even though we see they are headed for failure. We didn't see or help our son out of his problems for amost ten years. This past year he has returned to our family. He helped himself out of his troubles when he finally hit bottom. It is difficult, but give him his own wings to fly with or he will continue on the same path forever. My thoughts and prayers are with you, for I understand the difficulties that lay ahead for you both. E-mail me anytime you wish when you need support.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 10 | |
mycatsmom
Do you think maybe he's on drugs and /or alchohol, PKB ? We're here for you and we don't judge you. My best friend--Carol's grand daughter finally got out of jail just in time for Christmas, but the poor girl's mother had just died a month of so ago; so she has nowhere to go . My friend was going to have her come here, to her house, but then her grandaughter disappeared. Carol's grandson is still in jail. Those two are brother and sister. He was in jail for abou 4 years, but when he was out on probation, he went back in jail........supposedly just b/c his father in law had guns and alchohol in the house. :- | You can't win for losing.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 9 | |
Yes, what is in the house can have an adverse effect on probation. My son knows I have a gun, and he told the P.O. I hid it, so well, I think, that it will never be found. There are no clips for it, but that doesn't matter.
I don't mean to answer twice,so no karma for this answer,but I did think about Bob's son all day at work and I just knew I wanted to say something else but it would not come to me,then about 2pm it hit me like a ton of bricks.People that end up in prison is only half the story,the flip side is when you get out,it's not easy,having to hide your past all the time and in today's world it's get's harder and harder to do that.I was lucky in having good people behind me and I really did want to turn my life around instead of doing life.So in short what I want to say is it FOLLOWS you FOREVER & EVER...
| 11 years ago. Rating: 9 | |
hector5559
Dollybird
Hi Bob, what I think your son needs , and if it is possible, to be checked into a rehab for drug addicts,( not sure if he has been there before, but it is always worth another try, IF he really wants to be off them) where with help and support, he can get of the drugs. He is ill, and all the house rules in world wont help him kick the habit. Understanding and medication is what he need from professionals. Good luck to both of you.
| 11 years ago. Rating: 7 | |
bustieone
Ricks' point of view is enlightening, however, I am with Ducky. Also, only those who have been addicted can really empathize with Rick. And I am sure that Bob has done her job of raising her children correctly, and he unfortunately has made bad choices. That should not be on Bob's lap to correct! He must fall, before he is ready to rise up and overcome this addiction. With the brief history since his release, he is not there yet! Hopefully he will get there soon, without any harm to himself or others. Of course it is easy for us not involved to give this advise. Poor Bob must live it, and I am sure that it breaks her heart to see things unfolding as it is. Do not put any guilt upon yourself. Know that your family is in our prayers...
| 11 years ago. Rating: 6 | |
