Turning your pain into better-days!

Can i say i'm having it hard not really, It all started when i left my dads arms to go into my moms he wasn't the best but he tryed the love he gave was not shown but was felt he pawned us off at my grandmas who i to this day love with all my heart n soul, She showed us so much love even in her hugs it said i love you sure we got that little butt warmer but back then most kids did but we still felt that love,since then she passed away but her heart still beats inside me, Now let me take you back to a mind of a 6 year old yes mine i was a kid that loved the outside playing in my own world sure i had friends but my best friend was myself, Things got tuff for my dad so he sent me to my uncles it was a whole new world one were work payed for your food and play time was when you had the time i never lasted long there i guess with there child i was just a mouth to feed so i was sent back to my grandma i took a 2-3 day bust ride with just 10$ to feed myself when i got off the bus i felt as if i was going to pass out, But i was happy just to be with grandma again, A week into the hugs and love my dad looked at me and said i'm sending you too your moms i must have been 7 years old she was remarried. So i thought it would be heaven just to have a mom my dad was going threw some hard times guess it was the bottle that he was fighting one thing i'll point out my dad never layed a hand on me he would come home drunk and tell me stories of what he wanted to buy me witch never came true but i was happy to sit with him and just chat cause somedays he would bring home diffrent ladys and 99% of the time there was yelling and fighting i heard and seen things that would make me hide under my bed i seen his girl friends with blood all over there face and sometimes he would toss them out the door. He would bring a girl home alot and spend what money we had on his beer i remember looking for something to eat and there was a man sitting at the table he looked at me and said hi little man you want something to eat i was happy to say yes i would be lucky just to have a meal aday.So i went to watch TV i could smell the food he was cooking it smelt good and made my empty belly make noises.So then he called me into the kitchen and put a plate full of meat infront of me i never had meat for a long time and ate that right up He said you full i was happy to say yes.So i got dressed to go out to play in the park i grabed my toys and started out the door till but i looked in the bag that was hangging on the door it was a empty can that had a pitcher of a dog on the front of the can i looked at him and he looked at me and said its all the same...My belly was not doing well but i was ok. So i just went to a friends place and then to the park i never told him about it but i felt my ears to make sure i wasn't changeing into a dog, Now the day came when i went from my dad to my mom who i never met cause i was 4 months old when she gave us up to dad.I jumpped into the car and started the drive to what i thought would be a better place were i could eat like a king and have toys to play with. So i wasn't scared at all cause on the ride dad said i would have my own room lots of toys and a big house to live into, Hey as a kid you would change your home for a better one ......Well i thought that back then as soon as i got there she gave me a hug and kiss and showed me my room it was big and had carpet on the floor then she took me outside and interduse me to my step sisters and my brother who was my real brother when my dad was there everything seem so perfect. It all started out with so called love and gifts till the doors locked and dad said his goodbyes.I started to get blamed for everything that my step sisters and brother did, the hitting started then the belt then what ever she could get her hands on for years i just sucked it up i use to look out my window at night and ask god to make my mom love me again, It must have worked cause she sent me away to a home i was happy but each night i could see her grit her teeth,The anger on her face made the devil look good but damn was i happy to see the morning light till we got a new group leader, 8 years old then things started the door would slowly open at first i thought someone was just looking in on me to see if i was ok i felt him looking at me first i heard the door open then i would here the click of it being shut for days he would stand there and make noises then i heard his zipper go up, i so bad wanted to say something but was scared to.I new when he was coming cause i heard his foot steps he was a big man i layed there with my eyes close and hoped he would leave till i fely my blanket beeing pulled away i was on my belly and felt my underwear comeing off my body was so scared i couldn't move i felt him ontop of me and the pain shooting threw me like a knife this went on for a while.I still to this day can smell his breath on my neck i use to hide my stuff with the blood on it cause i was scared of him,I shut myself away from the world and to this day i still can't look a man in the eyes, But as time passed then i ran away from that home, I Was picked up by the cops and sent to a nut ward from what he did to me i had so much pain in my belly i was sent to the hosp they send they couldn't find out what was wrong when i layed in the bed my mom stepped into the room and walked to me she bent over and whisper your nothon but a faker, It hurts inside when she said that so when the time came to run i was gone. The streets was open as my new home i must have been 13 then living in buildings and walking most of the nights i went from Canada to the States and back, all i dreamed about was having someone say I LOVE YOU! I use too look into peoples windows and sit there for hrs and watch them have a chrismas or watch a child play with his mom and dad i would feel the tears run down my cheeks when i went back to the building i was staying at i would dream that the kid that was opening that gift was me.So i went from gangs as my everything to a teddy bear i use to hold,When i was in the gang i learn to turn my heart cold i sold drugs to taking what wasn't mine just to eat i did more dirt then a backhoe But then i met a girl and we had a baby girl and a baby boy my heart turned warm and there was no way my kids would grow up with out the sounds of a heart beat or the arms of a angel i gave them love caring and hope, Now they both grew up with the respect of the world my son treats his Girl friend as a queen he learn to respect a lady as a lady my ex Girl friend left me cause she was unhappy. I then met a Sweet angel on the net we hit it off and now are taking care of a 5-7 year old who say thank you to everyone they are learning you never point a finger cause 3 will point back my wife and i had a great job we were building mangers i loved that job we would help others most my life i guess i helped others cause of my pass one time i came home bare foot in the winter my wife says wheres your shoes i had to tell her i gave them to a man living on the streets when we first met she new i did alot for others thats why i was so happy to have that job i worked 24-7 and they would call me for help i would run there, She would give her all to help others as well we were doing so great had not my wife get hit with colorectal cancer they remove her colon and at a young age it was hard for her to put the bag on wiping her tears i whisper the words that i wanted to here I LOVE U! We had to quit that job cause i had to step up and watch my kids and be with her when she went for Chemotherapy cause the cancer went to her lymph nodes she was 28 they place her close to a lvl 4 we went from a place with everything to keeping are heads above water we end up moving to a small 2 bedroom on welfare, fighting for a place at the food bank,we have now sold everything we have even are car we had to use that to buy food that same day we were walking down the street and my wife went over to see why someone was upset this lady lost her money and couldn't get home i looked from across the street and a tear rolled from my cheek she hand it that lady her last 5$ so she can get home, So even living in hell praying for better days i am so glad i met a lady who has a heart to give to this day from pass to now, I Am happy to hear them words I LOVE U sure the struggle gets to me i would to this day cry in the dark, You see i call her my wife but we used all are money to help others and feed and pay or rent so we never got merried she just sold her ring to put a plate infront of the ones she loves,but when i cryed at night I would never let my wife are kids feel my stress cause i love them so much to this day when my wife holds my hand i feel butterflys in my belly, But even as hard as we have it we still put others before us, We may not have what we use to but when we did we would share cause most people out there need to feel them 3 words,No matter how hard it gets are how many tears i cry when i look at my kids and my wife i know i am blessed cause when you have a angel who would go out of her way to help someone she don't know then you have someone who has a heart of gold. Even after All the beatings i took as a kid to the rapes would i go through that again to have what i have now.I would say yes cause it made me a better man to this day......And my wife and kids are my heros so if your ever in need of a friend or hug i and my wife would be happy to wave to you!