29 Answers

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

I was feeling a bit down so I rang a "Help line" and got a answering service in Pakistan.

When I explained I was suicidal they asked me if I could  fly a plane.

I was in a pub in outback Queensland when the discussion got around to different fighting styles.

One said Ju Jitsu from China was his choice, another one said Kung foo from Japan.

Me, I said I preferred a pick handle from to back of the ute.

Little girl was drawing a picture and when asked what she was drawing she replied "A picture of God"

When told no one knew what God looked like she said "Well they will soon"

I went for a hot air balloon ride in Ireland but lost my way and as I could see a farmer in his paddock I called out "Where am I"?

He called back "You can`t fool me, you are up there in that little basket"

What do American beer and a rowing-boat have in common? - They're both close to water.

Why did he fire you?

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

 The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

country bumpkin

I don't give a darn either. LOL

I was sitting in a chair on the verandah and called out to my wife.

"When I die I am going to leave everything to you"

She shouted back.

"You already do you lazy bastard"

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"

Repeat......:  two men walk into a bar and the first one orders an H20 and the second man says, "That sounds good.  I'll have an H20, too"  The second man died......

Two rednecks rent a boat to go fishing.  They row quite a ways out, stop in the middle of the lake and toss their lines into the water. 
They hit the jackpot and are pulling up the best trout anyone has seen in a long, long, time.
"This is a great spot!" exclaims one.  "We already got our limit!!"
"Yeah," agrees the other.  "We'd better head back in.  But I want to come back tomorrow. We gotta remember this spot."
"Don't worry about that," replies the first. "I got that covered."
They reach the dock, return the boat and head off with their stringers of fish.
"Did you remember to mark the spot for tomorrow?" asks the second fisherman.
"I sure did!  I put a big X in the bottom of the boat!" says the first, proud of himself.
"YOU IDIOT!" screamed the second. "What if tomorrow we don't get the same boat???"

THE WELFARE CHEQUE

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.

I'd really rather have a job.

I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL,
and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your
job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in
her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,

"You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

Dr. Bumbuttu

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr.
Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breast without surgery. So she
decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest
and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement
she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might
lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she
stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and
said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr
Bumbutu's?'

Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...

A boy went to his Mom: Pl Mom I want for you to find for me some great wife, who is tall, white and working. Then his Granma heard what he was saying to his Mon. Then she replys to her Granson, Oh, go and buy a fridge, It will be good for you. ( It will be white, tall and working also.....

Bobby, to his Mom, What was the name of last train station ?Mother replys, dont bother me. Dont you see Im reading.  Bobby: Thats to bad, you dont know, cause little brother got off thee.

A teacher asks a 7 year old girl, whats a Bride and Groom, Please Teacher was the reply, Its some thing they have at a wedding.

The waiter is bringing a man his steak dinner.  He has his index finger poked into the steak.  The man says to the waiter, "Why do you have your finger on my steak?"  The waiter answers, "So it won't fall on the floor  . . . again."

Some good ones on here,thanx everyone!! xx

I made one up today. It's kind of a childrens' joke.....

 Q;  What did the skeleton say when somebody opened her closet ?

  A :  " Close the door !  I don't have any clothes on ! "      Hahahah.

My friend took his son to a funfare,and his dad took him on the bumper cars ,the ghost train and brought him candy floss,and on the way home he wanted a donkey they were selling,the dad b rought it for him,he said dad dad what shall we call it, His dad said Wanker,  they took it home and that night as they were asleep,there was a noise in the stables,the son looked out of the window,and saw the donkey running down the driveway,he rush into his dads and mums bedroom and burst out Dad wakers off,  Dad said now look you have been on the bumper cars ,on the ghost train and had candy floss,SO GO BACK TO BED,

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits

ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Costco!

She was only a jockeys` daughter but all the horse manure..

She was only a farmers daughter but you couldn`t get her back to the ground.

then of course there is the strange case of the agnostic, dyslectic insomniac who laid awake all night contemplating the existence of Dog...

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me..

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment..
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
She opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are
you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in
bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

Q:  how many cavemen does it take to change a lightbulb

A: what's a lightbulb

Most of my jokes have to be cleaned up...so here goes.....Two lovely lasses were out for a stroll when they saw poor Thom MacGregor passed out from too much whiskey laying on the side of the path.So Mary says to her sister.."I dares ya to peek under ole Thoms kilt!" So her sister sneaks a peek and they both have a laugh!Then Mary says again"I dares ya ta tie yer feather from yer cap onto it dere!" So her sister,pretty as you please goes and ties her feather round Thoms' member of parliament so to speak and the girls go laughing down the lane!Well Thom woke up some while later and heads off to the Public House.When he arrives the bartender sees this big feather hanging down from under his kilt and exclaims"Well I don'' Know ware ya bin at Thomas Macgregor...but it looks like you've WON FIRST PRIZE!!!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are seated side-by-side at a bar. Each has a mug of beer in front of him.

Simultaneously, three flies land in the beers, one in each mug.

The Englishman looks at his beer, pushes it away and asks the bartender for a new one.

The Scotsman reaches his fingers into the beer, picks up the fly, throws it to the floor and drinks his beer.

The Irishman reaches into the beer, picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells, “Spit it out, you bastard! Spit it out!”

Lizard Birthing Story

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, come look at the lizard!"

Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!"? they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....you know. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

 "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's you know .....Priceless...

A guy had a flat tire along side a field full of sheep. The rancher came over and offered to help change the tire..  The guy thanked him, but told him he had called the auto club on his cell phone.

The guy decided to have some fun with a talent he had. He told the rancher he could tell him how many sheep were in his flock. The rancher said "No way, not the way they mill around, you cant."

The guy said if I guess correctly will give me one of the sheep?. The rancher said OK.  The guy looked over the flock and said correctly, you have 317 sheep

The rancher was flabbergasted but  told him to pick one. The guy chose a black one standing nearby.

Then the rancher said; "If I guess your Ethnicity can I have the animal back?"  The guy told him he would never guess his  Ethnicity . "Yes I will. Your POLISH!!"

The guy couldn't believe it because he had red hair and look Irish.   "How in the world did you guess that?"  

"It was EASY, you took my dog."

Doctor,  To patient, you will die with in next two hours.

               Do you want to see any one before you die ?

Patient,  Yes, a good Doctor.

ONTARIO ( Canada )

The Premier of Ontario is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Premier's dog, then bites the Premier.

The Premier starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls Animal Control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the Province $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

The Premier goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The Premier spends $50,000 in Provincial funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

The Provincial Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The Premier's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.

The Province spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the Province.

ALBERTA (Canada )

Premier Alison Redford is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

The Premier's security agent shoots the coyote and keeps jogging. The Premier has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

The crows eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why ONTARIO is broke and ALBERTA is not.