hello dearest feinds. Joan has been going on and on about my money but I managed to put her off. I said I would do something next week in hospital. Actually I plan to tell the social people in the hospital that Joan is stealing and I want her replaced. So we'll see. I go into hospital tomorrow. I don't know whether I will be back if I have to have the operation. Anyway if I don't return I will have a little word with the angels and say how nice you all are especially Volcano. I have left the 200 000 pounds under the bed under a floorboard cos I have no one to give it to. As I said one day it might give someone a nice surprie. I will also tell them I want to be buried with Mary and all the little Billys and that I want Billy 13 to come with us when he goes. God bless Rupert

The old bitch has gone now so I thought I'd have a quick word. Did I call Billy Bobby? I must be going senile calling Billy Bobby. ( I wont be bothering you too much longer paperdoom. I'm sorry I seem to) I've been doing that a lot lately. I went to the bus stop the other day although I always get taxis and I did not know where I was going. I think I might be starting with altzeime thingy. Joan said I had plenty of clothes when she went out and said I had not given her enough money for the groceries I'm sure I gave her ?50 but she said it was a 20. When I volunteered Mary cried. We had been seing each other on a regular basis and her mother had sort of accepted that Mary had made her mind up. One day she actually invited me to tea which in those days was a sign you had been accepted, sort of. She brought out the best china and I'd never seen anything so nice. I was so nervous the cup rattled on the saucer and I was scared I might break a cup. When I was a boy we were so poor we drank tea from jam-jars (I swear that on the Bible) and we had newspapers cut up into squares in the outside toilet. Only funny thing was I wiped my arse on Hitler's face one time. But I was never left alone in the house with Mary. If we went to the cinema I would walk her home hand in hand. It was lovely on summer's evening under the Sycamore trees in dalton Avenue The leaves glowed orange and reds under the street lamps like a fairy grotto. We used to say goodnight on her doorstep and I stole a kiss or two. But soon her Mother would shout that it was late and it was time for her to go to bed as she had work in the morning. She looked lovely in her wide skirts all summery. She'd paint a line down the back of her legs to look like the seams of stockings which no one could get hold of except the Americans. I managed to get a pair from Max Kay who was into black market stuff. Cost me a weeks pay but the smile on Mary's face when I gave them to her was all worth while. Then I went to war and wrote to Mary every day. Her photo was in my wallet and I said goodnight to her every night while the sound of gunfire and the shelling went on and on and on. When the war was over I came home. I was in hospital all the time from Ipres and I would not let mary come to see me. I was badly injured and had lost an eye and my face was ugly. I did not want her to see me. But after the war I came back home and one day there was aknock on the door and who should be standing there. Mary.. I need to go now I'm tired Rupert

Joan has gone out to get some groceries for me. She asked for some money to get them but I'm sure she siad that yesterday and I only had a bowl of Heinz tomato soup. She'made me sit in my underpants all day as she says all my clothes are in the washing machine. So I haven't been able to leave the apartment.She keep going on at me to sign my savings over to her as I might not come back from hospital. But she can fuck off the nasty old cow. I'd rather leave it to the dog's home so I'll make a will in hospital next week before I have any operation. Funny me and Mary when I got to her house her mother was very stand-offish as she knew I was not good enough for Mary. She kept me on the doorstep while mary got my bicycle. It took me 3 hours to ride home but it was like being on a cloud as mary had said she would go to the pictures with me, but I wasn't to say anything because she wasn't going to tell her mum. The War was on the cards with Germany and I didn't have long before I was called up or had to volunteer. If you didn't volunteer everyone called you a coward. So you had to really. Anyway I held mary's hand in the pictures and we both had a coffee in a little coffee bar and talked forever. Then we got on our bikes and rode home. I was the luckiest man alive..Little did I know the clouds of War were gathering force and the storm would come sooner than we all thought. We thought Chambelain had made peace with Hitler and we would be ok but when he invades Poland we knew we had to make a stand or England would be next.. I'm cold and I can't find my dressing gown anywere... Rupert

hello dear people. This morning the birds were singing and Bobby the Budgie was chirping and I felt much better but I am still scared about Monday cos if they can operate on the tumour they will but it's more than 60% I won't come out of it. I've got a lot of money under the bed under a floorboard so Joan can't find it. It will be a nice surprise for someone one day. I was telling you about Mary and how we met. I was taking lessons in skating and got to the point where I could stay upright and make a few turns. So after going for some time I realised Mary came on tuesday and saturday afternoons. Then one day I was next to her and she glided through the ice like a ballarina. I got so nervous I slipped and fell over on top of her and her sharp skates sliced into my left kneecap. The pain was awful. There was blood all down my trousers. Mary came with me to hospital and came back later and took my bike home. We had no cars in those days. Over the next week or so she visited me. We talked and talked. I was completely mesmorised by her.She had hands that looked as if they were made or porcelain, perfect teeth and she wore a pink gingham dress with a pink bow in her hair. Her face crinkled around her nose when she smiled and she had eyes that were so blue they were like swimming pools that I wanted to dive into. Into her heart. When my knee had healed up Mary said i could go round to her house and pick up my bike. I had to take three buses. I walked up the path of 28 dalton avenue. There were roses growing around the door and the sunshine highlighted the hanging bastards. The birds sang . I suddenly felt my hands shaking as I knocked on the door.. Oh bollocks Joan's here...

I have not been well today but I bought a new Billy and he seems happy enough. I've been in bed since. The nurse came and gave me an injection which made me woosey. I thought about Mary. I loved her at first sight. People say love at first sight is not possible But it is. I never wanted another woman before Mary and I've never wanted one since we met-. War......Love is like war. Easy to begin but hard to end.You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it. When mary went the pain was more intense than anything I feel today. Other men said they have seen angels,but I had seen Mary she was enough. Love is not a matter of counting the years...But making the years count. every day with mary I couned like a miser counts his money You love simply because you cannot help it Night all

Hello again. I haven't slept all night what with the pain in my stomach and worrying about the events of yesterday and the fact i go into hospital on Monday. I have a feeling I won't come back. Oh well. Someone asked me about Mary. Thank you for the interest. Before I met Mary I managed to get a job as a 'can lad' on a building site. This involeved doing labouring work and makink the tea. It was made in big containers like cans. The girls used to take some interest in me as the work made me quite muscular and they said I looked like Errol Flynn. How different was that to the thin pasty faced man woth one eye and disfiguers that returned from war. me and the ladsused to hang round in the evening on street corners smoking fags. None of us had sex . It was just not on in thise days. Apart that was from a girl called Christine Allcock. When she came out of the front door we all chanted 'Allcocks out lads!' She used to take us one by one into her terraced house (It smelled of cat pee). She used to give us a wank and youd give her a cigarette. You could buy cigarettes separately then They were called twopenny loosies cos they were loose and usually the man opened a pack of five Woddbines. Anyway we started going to the ice rink cos you could see the girls legs there. One day my world changed when a vision glided on to the ice. She was a perfect skater, not like the rest who all fell over laughing. That was mary and I lost my heart. There and then. It was like a thunderbolt just hit me. But she was obviously not poor like us . She had beutiful legs and new skates and a little pink feathery ruff around her neck and her cheeks glowed peachy red with the cold from the ice. She was simply the most perfect thing in the world. But I knew I'd have no chance with her. From then on I used to go to the rink every night hoping I would catch a glimpse of her. Then I started taking skating lessons so I could be on the same ice and near her. Then one evenin Oh well I'm tired andI need to take me tablets so I'll go now Gos bless

Oh dear hello all. Well Joan just woke up and is having a cup od tea. She said she must have been tired. So I called her a taxi and she is going home.
i am so sad after this awful day. She's gone so that's ok but I still have the hospital appointment on Monday and they say I will be in for a week. Something to do with the tumour pressing on an artery. Anyway .. I am more sd because I looked at Billy the budgie whilst Joan was asleep and he was on his little back with his legs in the air. I don't know if I can take much more.
I put Billy on the oven and roasted him so I could collect the ashes. I have had 12 budgies so far All called Billy. All green. I bought a job lot of little urns and they are all lined up next to mary. I been smoking too much all day but I don't care. I think I'll go and make myself a cup of hot chocolate. You know people when they watch War films think that you get shot and fall down.But it's not like that. I saw boys of 17 with a hand blown off and they scream. Scream for their mums or dads. I think papermoon is a bright young thing I would love to speak to her. She's like the daughter I never had I think. Oh well I'll go out tomorrow and buy Billy 13

hello..sorry to bother you again but I don't know what to do. I've done an AWFUL thing. I came back from my little walk this morning and the gang of boys were still there in the entrance to the apartments kicking a football. They all wore those baseball caps and training things. I was very frightened. The doorman stays behind his desk and never comes out. So these people started dancing around me calling me Fartypants and saying things about my eye because I lost the other one in the War. Well thet kept saying things like. 'Eye eye old man' and 'We'll keep an eye out for yer' and 'It'll see yer through the week' Then they took my cap off and threw it up a tree. Anyway I managed to get to the door and farted just as I got in. I hope they all got a whiff. So I went into the flat and that Joan was still there with Billy the Budgie. She was drunk I think and kept on and on about how I should give her all my money and she started to call me a naughty boy and gave me little slaps. So I was fed up with her and the gang and I found a letter in the hallway saying I have to go into hospital next week for more tests. So I made her a cup of tea but before I gave it to her I crushed 4 of my sleeping tablets and let them dissolve. She drank the lot and fell asleep after half an hour on the couch. That was 6 hours ago and she is still there and I am frightened she won't wake up. Billy still hasn't eaten anything.

Hello dear feinds. It does hurt an old dying man to see nasty remarks like encouraging wrote. I have wondered whether to stop writing but the doctor says it is good for me. Pascal, dear sweet girl asked about my money. I did tell you that I was abandoned by my mother, who was a fallen woman, in a paperbag in the public toilets in Manchester next to Kendals. Apparantly , according to the Sisters of Mercy who brought me up and gave me the name ,Rupert, after the little bear (they said I looked likeI needed a cuddle)my mother eventually came and owned up she was the mother but as she had no money and was living with a drunken sailor in Ramsbottom, was not in a position to take me back. Years later I got a letter from solicitors in Africa who told me I had been traced as the only living reletive of Barthomelew Boersted who had mad a fortune in diamonds (my mother had died by this time of palsy) He left me his mine and a lot of money but I have never been there. Now the Africans have taken it back but I got most of the money and a few diamonds, one of which is in the jar with Mary's ashes. So I am going for a little walk now. Joan the cleaner is coming and I don't want to be here. She is still going on about my giving her authority to use my savings accounts in case I get ill but I am not sure. I suppose I will have to do it before my 6months on the earth is up.Also I an still sure she had something to do with the ?2000 that went from my wallet last week and since then she has aquired a nice gold watch and I don't know how she could have afforded that on 10 pounds an hour. Billy the Budgie is my only friend now and he still won't touch his seed. My farting hasn't improved either and the kids who smoke in the entrance to the apartments are calling me Johny Fartipants. I wish I had more freinds but at 90 there are not many peple of the same age. It was different when I was young. All laughing and joking as we went to sighn up to be soldiers. 'Your Country needs You' they said and men in uniform stood outside pubs and said it would be all over by Christmas and we wouls soon polish off Johnny Boche. Then we all sighned up and everyone clapped us on the back and waved us goodbye as the train pilled out of the station. All the girls gave us flowers and cigarettes andwe felt we were going on holiday. Three weeks later 6 out of seven of us were laying dead in a French field. Anyway I am off for a walk now. I can hear Joan unlocking the door. Gos bless

Hello dearest friends. I think I have found a few freinds Thank you so much. I am thinking about Volcanos kind offer. Freinds apart from papermoon but I'll forgive her she is probably very young..but she will learn. I had a lovely meal with Mary's ashes in the carrier bag next to me. I held her handle. It was avery posh restaurant and I put on my demob suit, the one they gave me when I was discharged from the army and it still fitted me. Mind you I have lost a lot of weight recently what with the tumour and the worry about my flatulence. The only thing that marred a perfect occasion was when I let one go as the waiter served the jam roly poly.I noticed his eyes raise but he said nothing bless him. I had told them it was my birthday and they know I have money so they were very nice and the flowers for Mary were beautiful. I did have a little cry though I don't think they minded. I gave the taxi a large tip. Well you can't take it with you. Can you? Now i am back in the apartment and the doctor has told me it's good therapy to share my feelings with you as it is good psycotrepy. Mary is back onthe Mantlepiece. Billy is still very quiet. I gave him fresh seed this morning but he hasn't touched it. I hope he hasn't caught a chill.Chilly Billy...I made a joke there. Anyway I want to watch Coronation street on the telly so I'll go God bless